Advice from a 40 year old to a 25 year old

One of my best friends recently turned 25. On her birthday, she asked me to share 3 things I wish I knew when I was 25 — I am 15 years older than her. This is what I told her.

Keep your plans loose and be ready to accept and adapt

When I was in my 20s, I used to wish for specific outcomes with all my will. I would wish to get admitted into a particular university, crack a certain job interview, date that girl I liked and so on. I did not get admitted into the university of my choice. Or even the second choice. Or third. However, my career eventually turned out OK. I did crack the job I prayed to crack. Three months into the job, I realised that I hate it. I could never muster enough courage to ask out that girl that I liked — but, eventually, I found Poonam and I can’t imagine that there is anyone else in this world better for me than she is.

A lot of things in life are not in our control. More important, we are not a good judge of what is good or bad for us in the long run. Life is a journey full of surprises and unknowns and I now know that these unknowns are an important part of what makes life beautiful. Unfavourable things do happen, but I now know that the associated negative feelings go away with time — life goes on. I have now stopped wishing or praying for specific outcomes — My prayers these days are limited to good health and happy relationships — that is all that really matters in the long term.

Our desires and constraints change, but memories are forever

We spend too much of our time limiting our actions and thoughts in a box. I virtually missed every single important function in my extended family and friends for reasons ranging from ‘I have an important exam' or ‘tickets are too expensive' to ‘they don’t really care whether I attend the event or not’. I can’t turn back clock and attend those events now, but I wish I did.

You may not like to eat panipuri when you are 50, but you will always remember and cherish the the night you ate 25 of them competing with your friend. I will always remember the expression on my wife’s face when I gifted her a solitaire on our 10th anniversary — neither of us really cares so much about the solitaire as we do about the memory it became a part of. I will always remember the trips we have taken together over the years. I can never forget getting married again to my wife on our 10th anniversary in Bali. So, my advice — push out of your comfort zone. Do something crazy like getting your entire family together in Bali to get married again. Wear that dress you think you can’t pull off. Visit a strip club. Try new food. Visit new places. Create shared experiences with the people in your life.

Health, Connections and Money are the three most important things in life, in that order

I recently suffered from throat pain and constant coughing. This went on for 2 months. I took allergy medicines, antibiotics, cough syrups, gargle, steam and everything else the doctors recommended. I could not focus on work. I was constantly irritated. Finally, through an endoscopy, the doctors found that some foreign body was lodged in my food pipe. They removed it and life went back to normal. Health issues hit you when you least expect — don’t assume that somehow you are immune to the debilitating powers of ageing. When you have a chronic pain in your back, nothing else in life will matter.

Now let’s talk about money. One of my mentors had told me that while we should live a frugal life, we should still strive to earn to our full potential. Money solves most known problems — so, earn to your ability and invest wisely.

Finally, connections. I had great friends in school and college. These friends were close to my heart. I used to think that I can do anything for them. Today, almost all of these friends are strangers to me. Some of them are connected to me on social media and I can barely recognise them through the filters of balding, obesity and wrinkles put on their faces by the great humbler that time is. Most of us lose connections with old friends as we move through life. The trick is to keep making new ones.

However, over time, I got really busy with my career and became a workaholic. Time and experiences also made me cynical. As old connections waned in the vastness of time, creation of new connections slowed down. I recently got a jolt of reality someone really close to me was diagnosed with depression. It was heart wrenching to see them just lie down in bed all day not wanting to do anything.

My younger self used to assume that in old age, people magically develop sage like abilities. I used to imagine that old people do not have desires, are more forgiving and more accepting of things. That they are OK sitting idle and alone all day long. Seeing my parents, uncles and other old relatives, I now know that being lonely in that age is actually worse than being lonely in youth. In old age, not only are they lonely, but they don’t have any job to keep them busy and they are not at the top of their health either.

Loneliness is hitting more and more of us at a younger age. Solutions of youth include more work and more parties — but these only provide temporary relief. These are not long term solutions. So, invest in building deep connections. Connect with your spouse. Connect with your kids. Cultivate new deep friendships as the old ones dwindle. Help out a friend in need if you have the means. Hang out with your parents, your old aunt and that grumpy old neighbour— don’t do it for them — do it for yourself. Life has a way of coming back full circle. You have to believe that when its your time of need, universe will send someone your way too.